Patrick Seitz

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March 05, 2004

Mullet Contest Winner Announced!

It's time for me to announce the winner of the mullet contest, which was unveiled at the end of September and was due to be judged months ago. My senior photo hairstyle was deemed not to be a mullet, and by an almost universal consensus. Although there were many thoughtful and articulate entries, there can be only one winner--literally, because I only had one dented 6.25-pound can of pickled jalapenos slices to offer up by way of a prize.

Didn't have the heart to tell him they're not for wearin'... And the pickled jalapenos slices go to...Kyle Pagel!

Here's his winning entry:

During this post the top/front/side portion of any givin hair style will be referred to as SECTION A, and the back portion of any hairstyle will be referred to as SECTION B.--

To Sam- Your definition of the mullet, while good, is simply incomplete. Based on the definition you gave, your mother most likely has a mullet, as does my mother (and sister, grandmother, and my hippie ass uncle). Unfortunately, your defintion left out two very important defining factors, which I will discuss, in detail.

1) A mullet is not merely a covering of the neck (which is why the term "Norco Neck Warmer" is so misleading) but a combination of short hair on SECTION and long in SECTION B (hence the term "business in front, party in the back"). Look closely at SECTION A of Patrick's head. The hair is clearly combed back. If allowed to lay straight it would have very will covered parts of his ear. This is, sadly, too long of hair on the side to consider it a mullet. Now, if the hair of SECTION B had been longer (at least past the shoulders), then you would be able to justify calling this monstrosity of a hair style a mullet. With the length of SECTION B on Pat's head, SECTION A should have been much shorter (think flat top). Patrick clearly just needed a hair cut.

2) In order to have a bona fide mullet, there must be the actual intent and desire to look like you beat your wife and listen to Motley Crue. You see, one of the many unknown mysteries of the mullet is the wearer actually believes it is cool. The mullet is not simply a hairstyle it's an attitude, a statement, and most importantly, a lifestyle. Wearers of the mullet posses a quality that is unknown to any normal man (which Patrick clearly does not posses). It truly does take a special kind of man to pull off that 'untamed, yet refined' look that only a mullet can bring.

Now, do not get me wrong, I would love to say "SEITZ HAS A MULLET..." all day long, but I know in my heart that that is just not the case. Bad hair cut? Definitely. But not a mullet. (But why the hell is anybody worrying about the mullet thing? Doesn't anybody else notice that Patrick has NO EYES!)

[Pagel is very observant to bring up my kohl-lined eyes in my senior picture, which pre-dated Johnny Depp's trend-setting use of it in "Pirates of the Caribbean" by a good seven years.]