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January 17, 2004Operation Iron Eagle II
Fresh from the Associated Press:
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Taking a bold stand against unchecked Luxembourgeois aggression, President Bush shocked the world earlier today when he unveiled Operation Iron Eagle II during a routine press conference.
Operation Iron Eagle II, named after the 1988 film starring Lou Gossett, Jr., will focus on overthrowing the constitutional monarchy that has held the tiny European nation of Luxembourg in thrall since 1890.
“Many Americans will ask themselves, ‘Why Luxembourg? Why now?’” Bush said during his speech. “The good people of Luxembourg have toiled under the whip of dynastic government for over 100 years, with no sign of relief in sight. Grand Duke Jean’s 26-year reign of terror was a black period in Luxembourg’s history. His son, Henri, to whom he abdicated in 2000, is no better. He rules Luxembourg with an iron fist, just as his father did before him. The idea of a nation’s reins being handed down from father to son without the people having a say repulses me.
“Not only is it our God-given right to ensure that all the nations of the world adopt a government in keeping with our preferences, but there compelling proof that Luxembourg is harboring weapons of mass destruction—specifically, that we can’t find anything. If Luxembourg isn’t stockpiling WMD, why else would they go to such great lengths to hide every trace of them? If they didn’t have them, don’t you think we’d have found something by now?”
The complex logic by which Operation Iron Eagle II was justified proved to be too much for members of the White House press pool, many of whose heads exploded moments after President Bush had concluded his remarks.
In Luxembourg, President Bush’s comments were met with shock and disbelief.
“We only spent one percent of our $4 billion GDP on military expenditures last year,” said Luxembourg Defense Minister Charles Goerens. “How does President Bush think we could ever manage to afford to develop or buy weapons of mass destruction?”
Despite his having been born in 1952 and having never traveled to the Middle East, the Pentagon believes Goerens to have been both a Nazi sympathizer and a member of Saddam Hussein’s Baathist Party. Goerens’s likeness is depicted on the jack of hearts in the “Jouer aux Cartes de la Liberté,” a new set of playing cards released to raise awareness among U.S. troops as to the identities of the 52 most-wanted Luxembourgeois.
Both Grand Duke Henri and Grand Duke Jean, the latter of whom is more formally known as His Royal Highness Grand Duke Jean Benoît Guillaume Robert Antoine Louis Marie Adolphe Marc d'Aviano of Luxembourg, were unavailable for comment.
Posted by patrick at January 17, 2004 05:50 PM
CommentsVADUZ [Reuters] - In response to American President George W. Bush's initiative to eliminate so-called "weapons of mass destruction" in Luxembourg, the Landtag of Liechenstein today announced that it had destroyed all of its existing WMD and was ending its nuclear and chemical weapons programmes.
"We wish to do our part to combat terrorism," read the official statement. "As such, Liechenstein will no longer attempt the manufacture of devices which may fall into enemy hands."
Prince Hans-Adam II was scheduled to meet with representatives of the EU later this week to offer proof of the destruction of the WMD. This was after the goverment were forced to explain to American representatives that President Bush could not meet with Liechenstein's Defence Minister, as the tiny principality does not, in fact, have a Ministry of Defence.
Asked for explanation of their actions, the Prince explained, "We do not want that crazy cowboy running amok in our country. It's a pretty little place, and oil rigs would just be so outré."
Posted by: Jon Bastian at January 18, 2004 12:49 PM
Ok, is it sad that I actually took this article seriously for 30 seconds? Have I actually come to EXPECT this kind of behavior from the President of the United States?
So ashamed of myself. So ashamed of our government.
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James
Posted by: James at January 18, 2004 07:03 PM
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Posted by: bfc3745 at March 5, 2005 06:12 PM
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Posted by: bfc3745 at March 5, 2005 06:13 PM
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