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January 29, 2004Oprah or Marquez? Hmmm......
I’m struck sometimes at how perfectly events in my life will mirror themes that have just come up in books or stories I’ve read.
Case in point: In my Early Japanese Literature course today, we discussed an excerpt from the Heike monogatari in which a renowned samurai wrestles a foe into submission and demands his name, intent on knowing the man’s identity before chopping off his head. He finds out that his foe is actually a young man, no more than eighteen years in age, and thinks back to his own dead son—who would have also been eighteen, had he lived that long. Explaining his rationale, the older man spares his young foe’s life. The eighteen-year-old warrior promptly turns around and kills him. After all, he was the enemy.
In class, opinions were pretty contentiously divided between those who though the young man behaved treacherously and dishonorably, and those who felt that all’s fair in love and war.
I get home this afternoon, only to read online that Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude is selling like Spanish hotcakes. The problem? The credit for the novel’s sudden meteoric popularity goes completely to Oprah Winfrey and her book club.
Boy, am I conflicted. I love Marquez, even to the point where I went against all logic and assigned One Hundred Years of Solitude to my high school seniors last year. But I’ve always hated the idea of the masses rushing to the bookstore like so many lemmings, eager to hop off a celebrity’s cliff of choice.
And believe you me, they’re hopping off of One Hundred Years of Solitude:
“Online bookseller Amazon.com reports that immediately after Winfrey's selection, One Hundred Years of Solitude jumped from No. 3,116 to No. 1. Barnes & Noble's Bob Wietrak says it has always been a steady seller, but after Winfrey's selection, sales of the Spanish edition doubled and sales of the English version are 15 times greater. Borders' Jenie Dahlmann says it sold half as many copies last week as in all of 2003.”
My enemy has granted me an unexpected boon, but war is war. Do I change my tune just because her attention has benefited a novel and author I like, or do I stick to my principles and shake my curmudgeonly fist at her book club?
Posted by patrick at 06:25 PM | Comments (0)
January 25, 2004
Old writing and good books...
I have to put together a rough CV for one of my graduate classes, so I'm mucking out the proverbial stables, digging around for the publication dates of old online writing I've done. I rediscovered these three pieces on the now-defunct humor section of studentplanet.com, which featured spoof news articles a la The Onion.
Take a gander at these gems of mine from early 2000:
"McCain to Embark on 'Introduce My Shoe to a Few Asses' Tour of Vietnam"
"Millerlite to Become 111th Element of the Periodic Table"
"NE3s Compress New England States to One Gigabyte"
* * * * *
In other news, I've had pretty good luck with my pleasure reading lately. I finally checked out a copy of Aimee Bender's Girl in a Flammable Skirt a few days ago, absolutely loved it, and polished it off in a single sitting. I was feeling sort of low about my fiction last quarter, figure there was absolutely no readership for my style anymore. My workshop professor, Michael Jayme, seemed confident that I'd feel better after a Bender bender--and I do! I tore through The Princess Bride yesterday and the day before at a similarly frenzied pace, having been told that it was even better than the film, but never quite believing it. Happily, they were right.
Posted by patrick at 07:56 PM | Comments (2)
January 21, 2004
Ich liebe dich!
France's young people will be the target of an advertising blitzkrieg this week, aimed at trying to get them all hot and bothered about learning German—a language many of them consider "difficult and ugly," according to
this
Apparently, the French subways will be plastered with posters of French and German teenage couples kissing and cuddling. The text of one such ad reads: "Pierre is learning German. [Tanja, the girl in the poster] immediately fell for his charming French accent and he kept it on purpose. Since then, he has returned to France but hasn't ceased corresponding with her—in German."
Yeah, and I'll bet Pierre and Tanja have so much to talk about in their German letters, too—like how Tanja's grandfather took out Pierre's grandfather with a well-tossed potato masher during WWII, perhaps, or how she always enjoyed her grandfather's stories about marching into Paris. In any event, let's assume they keep up their correspondence. Summer rolls around. She takes the train into France and meets up with Pierre. At first, they're shy. They don't know what to say, or where to look, but their chemistry is undeniable. That evening, as they ride a tour boat up the Seine, marveling at the lights of Paris, Tanja leans over and rests her head on Pierre's shoulder. He looks down at her, their breath hot on each other's faces in the cool evening air. Their lips call out to each other like gravity, like an undeniable natural force, like two halves of a single fate torn asunder long ago.
"Je t'aime," Pierre whispers, leaning in to kiss her.
"Ich liebe dich!" Tanja replies, promptly killing the mood with her guttural, glottal declaration of love.
It sounds bad enough to Americans speakers, and we're not possessed of a terribly mellifluous language ourselves. One can only imagine what such a close-range aural assault of that nature would do to poor Pierre. Would his external ears curl into themselves like old orange peels, or would he just leap up and feed himself to the tour boat's propeller?
Ich liebe dich, indeed!
Posted by patrick at 10:19 PM | Comments (3)
I'm such a landlubber...
My good friend Mark Rader gave me Patrick O'Brian's "Master and Commander" last month, and I've made only nominal headway into it. I finally figured out why: Often, I have no idea what's being said.
"The hawser had been made fast to the middle of the yard and then laid along it almost to its starboard extremity, being tied in half a dozen places from the slings to the yardarm with stoppers – bands of spun yarn; the hawser ran from the yardarm up to the top-block at the masthead and so down through another block on deck and thence to the capstan; so as the capstan turned the yard rose from the water, sloping more and more nearly to the vertical until it came aboard quite upright, steered carefully end-on through the rigging."
I haven't been this thoroughly confused by prose since those damnable word problems when and where Train A would pass (or collide with!) Train B, based on their place and time of departure, and their respective speeds.
Posted by patrick at 09:50 AM | Comments (4)
January 17, 2004
Operation Iron Eagle II
Fresh from the Associated Press:
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Taking a bold stand against unchecked Luxembourgeois aggression, President Bush shocked the world earlier today when he unveiled Operation Iron Eagle II during a routine press conference.
Operation Iron Eagle II, named after the 1988 film starring Lou Gossett, Jr., will focus on overthrowing the constitutional monarchy that has held the tiny European nation of Luxembourg in thrall since 1890.
“Many Americans will ask themselves, ‘Why Luxembourg? Why now?’” Bush said during his speech. “The good people of Luxembourg have toiled under the whip of dynastic government for over 100 years, with no sign of relief in sight. Grand Duke Jean’s 26-year reign of terror was a black period in Luxembourg’s history. His son, Henri, to whom he abdicated in 2000, is no better. He rules Luxembourg with an iron fist, just as his father did before him. The idea of a nation’s reins being handed down from father to son without the people having a say repulses me.
“Not only is it our God-given right to ensure that all the nations of the world adopt a government in keeping with our preferences, but there compelling proof that Luxembourg is harboring weapons of mass destruction—specifically, that we can’t find anything. If Luxembourg isn’t stockpiling WMD, why else would they go to such great lengths to hide every trace of them? If they didn’t have them, don’t you think we’d have found something by now?”
The complex logic by which Operation Iron Eagle II was justified proved to be too much for members of the White House press pool, many of whose heads exploded moments after President Bush had concluded his remarks.
In Luxembourg, President Bush’s comments were met with shock and disbelief.
“We only spent one percent of our $4 billion GDP on military expenditures last year,” said Luxembourg Defense Minister Charles Goerens. “How does President Bush think we could ever manage to afford to develop or buy weapons of mass destruction?”
Despite his having been born in 1952 and having never traveled to the Middle East, the Pentagon believes Goerens to have been both a Nazi sympathizer and a member of Saddam Hussein’s Baathist Party. Goerens’s likeness is depicted on the jack of hearts in the “Jouer aux Cartes de la Liberté,” a new set of playing cards released to raise awareness among U.S. troops as to the identities of the 52 most-wanted Luxembourgeois.
Both Grand Duke Henri and Grand Duke Jean, the latter of whom is more formally known as His Royal Highness Grand Duke Jean Benoît Guillaume Robert Antoine Louis Marie Adolphe Marc d'Aviano of Luxembourg, were unavailable for comment.
Posted by patrick at 05:50 PM | Comments (4)
The Iraqi 500
As of today, we've lost 500 soldiers in Iraq since the invasion began March 20--most of them having died after Bush called an end to major fighting on May 1.
But I guess 500 lives is the price we had to pay in order to apprehend the mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks, right?
What? The mastermind behind the 9/11 attacks was Osama bin Laden? Didn't we nab him a few weeks ago? No? That was Saddam Hussein? Oh, okay.
I guess 500 lives is the price we had to pay in order to apprehend a leader who had all manner of WMD in his possession.
What? They still haven't found any WMD in Iraq? No? We haven't found anything? And Bush's military advisors think it doesn't matter? Oh, okay.
Um, does anybody want to be a real pal and tell me what those 500 soldiers died for us to accomplish? I must not be a true-blue American citizen, because try as I might, I just can't remember the rationale.
Posted by patrick at 03:29 PM | Comments (1)
January 10, 2004
Jennifer Langston is beneath contempt...
In 2002, Jennifer Langston collided with another vehicle while driving drunk and gabbing on her cell phone, killing the driver, putting his pregnant wife in a coma, and basically condemning the child (subsequently birthed by Caesarean section, and being raised by relatives) to life never having known either parent.
Her punishment? A mere 30 days in jail, house arrest and probation, and a court order to carry a picture of the dead man with her for five years. And now she's complaining about that last facet of her punishment because the photo the victim's family provided for Langston is one taken at his funeral.
According to Langston's lawyer, Michael Sherman, "It was very unreasonable and cruel that she was given that picture." He's also objecting to a $20,000 fine Langston is slated to pay to Pennsylvania's Victim's Compensation Fund.
When I read this article, I just about had to pick my jaw up off of the floor.
Oh, gee, Langston feels bad when she looks at the dead man's photo. Doesn't she realize that's the point? Why does she think the judge ordered her to carry a picture of the victim for half a decade if not to hopefully dredge up some pangs of guilt or remorse when she looks at it? What sort of photo was she expecting? Something cheery from his last vacation?
Let's look at the scorecard, folks. Jennifer Langston destroys a family because she's too stupid not to have cell phone conversations while driving drunk, gets little more than a slap on the wrist, and now she's complaining. If I had my druthers, I'd make her carry around a photo of how the victim looked immediately following the accident. She'd beg for the funeral photo, then.
I don't know who I hate more in this scenario--Jennifer Langston, the lawyer who's agreeing to submit her asinine objections, or the judge who gave her such a light punishment to begin with. Of course, the DA is no prize, either; he's agreed to have the bereaved family provide Langston with a different picture. He should be pushing to include a photo of the comatose wife in her hospital bed as part of Langston's punishment.
If this pisses you off, give this entry a negative karma point. We'll just operate under the assumption that chalking them up here somehow funnels them into Langston et al's karmic ledger. I'm not usually one to advocate wishing ill-will upon people, but I just can't help it. I'm barely willing to credit this woman and her lawyer with the moral reflexes necessary to define someone as human.
Posted by patrick at 04:03 PM | Comments (5)
January 01, 2004
"Well, hell...can't do no killin' with a mural, right?"
"Art! Who comprehends her? With whom can one consult concerning this great goddess?" - Ludwig van Beethoven
Nobody in California, apparently. State funding for the arts will take quite a hit this year. California's arts budget, in particular, was savaged—minced down to $1.89 million this year, a tightening of the belt of about 90% from last year's $20.3 million. It was the largest percentage cut, save Missouri's decision to cut last year's $3.6 arts allocation down to nothing at all.
Percentages aside, only 18 states will offer their citizens less arts funding in 2004: Alaska, Arkansas, Colorado, Delaware, Idaho, Iowa, Kansas, Maine, Montana, Nebraska, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Dakota, Oregon, South Dakota, Vermont, Wyoming. You can read the full list here.
Just to put it all in perspective, based on the prices quoted in this ABCNEWS article, you could fund California's 2004 state arts budget:
almost 11 times over for price of one F-16 fighter jet
almost 16 times over for the price of one B-52 bomber
almost 23 times over for the price of one F-15 fighter jet
almost 106 times over for the price of one B-1 bomber
almost 688 times over for the price of one B-2 stealth bomber
Actually, with the price of that single B-2 stealth bomber, you could fund the entire country's 2004 state arts budget (about $272 million) four and three quarter times over. Granted, those prices are from 1999, but there's no reason to believe that the aircrafts listed above are piling over the edges of the military bargain basket and being sold in two-for-one deals.
But hey! No worries! Let's give ourselves a warm round of applause for being the world's policeman!
Posted by patrick at 05:59 PM | Comments (3)
Ring in 2004 on "Avenue Q"
Happy New Year! It’s a quarter to nine in the morning on New Year's Day, and I seem to be the only one in the apartment who is awake. I’m not sure why this is, as A) I’m a late sleeper by habit, and B) I got to bed no earlier than three a.m. this morning. Anyhow, I made the wise decision to shower and get dressed before I lost all gumption and spent the rest of the day padding around in my atrocious robe and grimy-haired glory.
Anyhow, in the spirit of the new year and all, I want to take a moment to introduce you to what is going to be your new favorite musical: "Avenue Q". I’m sure you’ll love it, if for no other reason that my own transformation from ignorant bystander to defender of the figurative faith was so quick. I first heard the music for this on the evening of the 30th, when I was at the Redlands Footlighters theater for a production meeting. Yesterday, I ventured down to the local Best Buy to purchase the soundtrack. That might not sound too amazing, but seeing as how I don't remember the last time I actually bought a CD, I was moderately shocked by my own behavior. I played it for some folks yesterday afternoon, three or four of whom are also now intent on buying it. And presently, less than a full 48 hours after my first contact with "Avenue Q," I’m e-proselytizing on its behalf in my journal.
"Avenue Q" is a new show, apparently the hot ticket on Broadway right now, having opened off-Broadway in March and on-Broadway at the end of July. It’s "Sesame Street" meets "South Park," with humans and puppets interacting in a familiar way on…well…unfamiliar topics. The song titles include "If You Were Gay," "Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist," "The Internet Is For Porn," "You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want (When You're Makin' Love)" and "Schadenfreude".
Click here to hear the song that first got my attention—"What Do You Do with a B.A. in English?" I don’t technically have permission to post it, but I'm doing it because I'm confident that some of you—many of you, hopefully—will like it enough to then click over to this page of 30-second RealAudio intros of each song, and, liking them in turn, either purchase the CD from the official website, Amazon.com, or your local music retailer. I'm no big fan of paying for music, as the prices of CDs never went down as the technology became ubiquitous and it’s not worth $16 for the one or two good songs on most albums, anyway. That said, though, I was more than happy to shell out my $15 for the "Avenue Q" cast recording. Those guys deserve the 37 cents of it they’ll see after the rapacious record label (aren't they all subsidiaries of BMI now, anyway?) takes its gigantic cut.
Take a listen and let me know what you think!
Posted by patrick at 11:32 AM | Comments (10)