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August 07, 2003Automotive Vigilante contest winners announced!
It’s time to announce the winners of the first PatrickSeitz.com online contest!
The goal of this contest was to write the perfect note to leave on the windshield of folks (mostly Angelinos, whose cars I encounter while with my girlfriend) who park their massive minivans, trucks and SUVs in spaces marked “compact”. I’ll print up the winning notes and distribute them on the offending vehicles as often as possible—and, I might add, with great glee. The authors of the winning notes will also receive a “Dune” coloring book. It ain’t much, but it will provide them with a lot more entertainment than any of those damn prequels his son and that other guy insist on pumping out. It’s sci-fi heresy, but what can you do?
Ah, yes. The winners. Right. Here they are, in no particular order.
Our first winning entry is from Hope Villanueva:
God hates bad parking jobs.
And so do the rest of us!
Ms. Villanueva’s entry, while short, is rife with significance. She clearly identifies for what wrongdoing the recipient of the note is being chastised, and conveys a sense of global hatred towards the sinner spearheaded by no less a personage than the Almighty. She uses simple enough language that even a member of the nouveau riche (read: Beverly Hillbilly) will get the gist of it. The wording of the entry makes it applicable to poorly-parked vehicles of all sorts, which means I’ll get extra mileage out of it. Ms. Villanueva clearly has a future in the writing of caustic, anonymous notes. She is also my girlfriend, which prompted my decision to have multiple winners so that nobody would cry foul.
Our second winning entry is from Jon Bastian:
Okay, maybe you have a good reason for owning a land-tank that's only useful for wasting far more than your share of gas. That doesn't mean you deserve three parking spaces for it, now does it?
Learn how to park.
Mr. Bastian’s entry is deliciously sneaky. He offers the offender easy forgiveness in the first line, only to yank the rug out from under their feet in the second line. The third line is a stern command which completes the note’s arc from laissez faire parking to unyielding observance of the law. It also alludes to the offender’s unfair use of our natural resources, which will only grow in significance as we continue to slurp ex-dinosaurs out of the ground with alarming speed.
Our third and final winning entry is from Mark Stanfield:
Dear Tank Commander:
I think you have some confusion as to just where your SUV Battle Wagon should be posted. The space in which you currently find your vehicle was an incorrect choice of parking on your part. If you do a simple visual assessment of the parking area, you will come to the conclusion that the size of your SUV far surpasses the dimensions of the parking space. This would lead one to believe that a veritable behemoth of vehicle such as yours belongs somewhere else. Of course in your incompetence and overwhelming inconsideration, you have managed to further deplete the general public from access to parking spaces. In the future, please locate the nearest Army Post, and leave your SUV (Stupid Uber Vehicle) with the rest of the Battalion's Armored Division. Thank you, and please DO NOT come again.
While Mr. Stanfield’s eloquence might fly over the head of many of the entry’s recipients, they should at least get a dull sensation that they’re being talked down to. This will be the note I unleash only under certain conditions. I’ll save this note for offenders whose vehicles sport clever bumper stickers, pretentious (read: metal) alumni license plate frames, or show some other sign of being driven by folks who will understand all the words Mr. Stanfield used.
I’d also like to grant an honorable mention to Chuck, whose entry—“Your Car is big. This space is small. I hate you.”—was perfect in its understated nihilism. Such was Chuck’s nihilism, though, that he saw no point in including his e-mail address with his entry. Too bad, as the ubiquitous stillsuits in the “Dune” coloring book would have given his black crayons a run for their money.
I’ll be printing these three winning entries up shortly. I’ll let you know when they’ve been unleashed. Feel free to participate in similar vigilantism in your town’s parking lots and parking structures. Remember, if you let folks take up multiple parking spots with their oversized cars, the terrorists will have won.
Posted by patrick at August 7, 2003 03:35 AM
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