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June 30, 2003THE CONTEST PAGE!
READ THE FOLLOWING FOR CONTEST EXCITEMENT! SPREAD THE WORD!
I’m looking to indulge in a bit of harmless vigilantism at the expense of all the wankers who park their automotive monstrosities in the compact spots to the detriment of everybody else. This is something that especially catches my eye in Los Angeles-area parking lots. More often than not, the compact spots are filled to overflowing with SUVs, souped-up pickup trucks, and vans. They’re usually so much bigger than the parking spot that they make it impossible to park in the spots to either side, and hang out into what was usually a narrow enough aisle under the best of conditions.
By the most recent time I saw this, when I went out with my girlfriend last weekend to see "28 Days Later," I'd had enough. But what to do? In my mind, I gleefully imagined bludgeoning the SUV with a sledgehammer until it did all fit in the small spot. Barring that, I grabbed a piece of paper and left a very sarcastic note on their windshield. Nothing too terribly profound or biting, but it did help me blow off some steam.
As I placed it under one of the windshield wipers, it hit me all at once: I could just write up a standard note, print out a bunch, and have them handy for whenever the occasion demanded!
This is where you come in.
I’m calling an official start to the first PatrickSeitz.com contest ever! Until the end of July, leave what you’d say in a note to these wankers in the comments section of this journal entry. I’ll pick the best one or two to print out and leave on some of the offending vehicles. If there’s a really good turnout for this contest, I’ll pick more winners.
Here are the rules:
No profanity. Anything worth saying can be said without cussing them out. Remember, if you sound like a Neanderthal in your note, you’ve sunk to their level.
No threats. Please don’t write anything that will get me arrested as a domestic terrorist and detained without legal counsel for the rest of my natural life if somebody actually spots me leaving your note on a windshield.
Be creative, be clever, be scathing, be righteous, guilt-trip ‘em, do whatever! Have fun with it!
Contest ends at midnight on July 31. Why only until the end of July? Because I say so. Besides, when better for a contest of this nature than around the birthday of our nation? The Founding Fathers wouldn’t have put up with folks parking their SUVs in the compact spaces, and neither should we!
In addition to the glory of having your words smite down the parking wankers, I’ll give the winner(s) a genuine “Dune” coloring book, based on the horribly puzzling David Lynch film from the early 1980s.
Good luck!
Posted by patrick at June 30, 2003 02:45 AM
CommentsYour car is dumb!
Posted by: kyle. at June 30, 2003 04:55 PM
Entry #1:
Okay, maybe you have a good reason for owning a land-tank that's only useful for wasting far more than your share of gas. That doesn't mean you deserve three parking spaces for it, now does it?
Learn how to park.
Posted by: Jon Bastian at July 1, 2003 09:33 AM
Your large, ugly SUV already shows what a moron you are. You don't need to give us further proof by parking it so badly. Have a nice day! :)
Posted by: Jon Bastian at July 1, 2003 09:36 AM
Okay, I'm not trying to monopolize the contest, but the ironic approach came to mind. Or is it sarcasm? Or is it both. Entry #3...
Apparently, after you carefully parked your gas-guzzling land yacht, the SUV fairies came and moved it so as to take up three spaces and make you look like a selfish idiot. Since no one who would make such an environmentally friendly vehicle choice would ever be so rude and inconsiderate, in future you might want to park in other than compact spaces so those pesky sprites can't make you look so stupid again.
Posted by: Jon Bastian at July 1, 2003 02:29 PM
Next time, park your soccer team transporter in the "Terrorist Supporter" section.
Posted by: Ryan K at July 1, 2003 09:30 PM
Dear large car owner,
I appreciate that your life is more important than mine, hence your oversized vehicle. You must be hauling tons of non-perishible food items to be delievered to the homeless or towing the priceless remains of the Roswell spacecraft to need a car this big. I am clearly not as valuable a human being as you are. In fact, I am currently in the market for a motor scooter so that I will take up as little space in this parking lot as possible. I am not arrogant enough to take more of the limited space on the surface of the Earth than I am worthy of. But until the loan closes and I actually get my scooter, STAY THE HELL ON YOUR SIDE OF THE LINE!
Posted by: Hope at July 3, 2003 03:53 PM
God hates bad parking jobs.
And so do the rest of us!
Posted by: Hope at July 3, 2003 03:54 PM
Or, to borrow a famous internet bit of humor...
Every time you park like a selfish nimrod, god kills a kitten...
Posted by: Jon Bastian at July 3, 2003 09:00 PM
I don't have an entry, only a vote. I vote for: "Your car is dumb" (which can only be said while making the Pagel face)
Posted by: Mike Barre at July 11, 2003 09:22 PM
yeah! mike rocks face... super hard!
(i don't know what that's supposed to mean, but rest assured, it's good.)
Posted by: kyle. at July 11, 2003 09:48 PM
Dear Tank Commander:
I think you have some confusion as to just where your SUV Battle Wagon should be posted. The space in which you currently find your vehicle was an incorrect choice of parking on your part. If you do a simple visual assesment of the parking area, you will come to the conclusion that the size of your SUV far surpasses the dimensions of the parking space. This would lead one to believe that a veritable behemoth of vehicle such as yours belongs somewhere else. Of course in your incompetence and overwhelming inconsideration, you have managed to further deplete the general public from access to parking spaces. In the future, please locate the nearest Army Post, and leave your SUV (Stupid Uber Vehicle) with the rest of the Battalion's Armored Division. Thank you, and please DO NOT come again.
Posted by: M.M.Stanfield at July 14, 2003 11:54 PM
to mark:
your entry is dumb!
Posted by: kyle. at July 29, 2003 08:08 PM
Your Car is big.
This space is small.
I hate you.
Posted by: Chuck at July 30, 2003 05:50 PM
OMG! chuck's post reminded me of something, and i'm baffled i forgot it! HAIKU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ok, so i know chuck's post wasn't a haiku, but it reminded me of haiku, so here it goes...
-----------------------------------
dear mr. dumb guy,
play in oncoming traffic
you big doody head.
-----------------------------------
hey big truck owner
your truck looks really stupid
in that space, go die.
-----------------------------------
oh, you did it now
i hope the bad luck fairy
hits you in the head.
----------------------
and now for a limmerick, *ahem*:
once i met george w. bush
so i shoved a firecracker in his toosh (sp?)
we came to a cliff
his knees grew stiff
so i gave that idiot a push.
...and you're next! nice park job, retard!
----------------------------------
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